The 10 commandments of flying

Hey look! I’m back! I’ll tell you more about what I have been doing at some later point, but now I just want to talk about flying. I’ve been on 10 flights during the past 30 days, and I’m amazed at how few people know how to minimize everyone’s discomfort in a plane. This is dedicated both to those fellow passengers who acted exemplary, and those passengers who I now hate with my entire being.

1. If you fly economy, you will be uncomfortable. Seriously, just accept it. You can try to minimize the discomfort (by following the following commandments of flying), but if you want a pain-free flight you need to pay for a business class or first class ticket. There is no way around it.
2. The person in the middle seat shall have full use of two armrests. I mean it. If you have a window seat, you have the window to lean against. If you have an aisle seat, one side of you is not crammed up against strangers or a wall. Enjoy it, and leave an armrest for the poor fellow in the middle. Middle seats are hell.
3. Don’t steal legroom from your neighbours by manspreading. You’re an asshole. Yes, I mean you, person on the flight from Heathrow to Arlanda. If you want more legroom, pay up. Otherwise, suffer with the rest of us. Don’t take the legroom I paid for.
4. Don’t lower your seat back during meal time. Yes, you have every right to lower your seat back. However, if you do it during meal time, you are an asshole.
5. Before lowering your seat back, warn the person sitting behind you. This is for the sake of the laptops I know we all love. Lowering your seat back unexpectedly can splash things all over someone’s poor, unsuspecting laptop. Warn them beforehand so any coffee can be held onto.
6. Make sure your headphones don’t leak. To the person on the flight from Charlotte to Nashville who had leaking headphones: I loved how you kept “Sexy and I know it” on repeat for an hour straight. Really, I loved it. And for unrelated reasons, I hate you.
7. No porn. I can’t believe I actually have to say this, but no porn. Not on your phone, not on your laptop, not in a magazine. This is dedicated to a special someone on the flight from Newark to Arlanda.
8. Stow only one bag in the overhead compartment. You may bring two, but (unless you sit in the front row or an exit row seat) the second bag should go under your seat. Otherwise, someone else will have to store their bags in another part of the plane, or gatecheck it. Don’t inconvenience your fellow passengers if you don’t have to.
9. Be somewhat quiet during sleeptime. I really don’t care what a sick time you and your bros will have in New York. Nor do any of the passengers in the closest 6 rows. Let us sleep.
10. Keep your children in check. I know this is controversial, and children will be children. However, there is a big difference between “kids being kids” and letting you child pull my hair, without so much of a comment, and then being upset when I tell them to stop. Kids screaming or crying during takeoff and landing: understandable. Kids being louder than adults: understandable. Kids assaulting other passengers, while the parents look on silently: unacceptable.

And that’s all. Easy peasy, right? Have a nice flight!